The girl who’s not been herself lately…
It’s been so long since I wrote something. And that’s it… my mind is
blank again. Couldn’t think of a word. Started staring the blank paper hoping
something will show up from inside. But nothing came, a big void. This is me
for the past few months. The “me” who I can’t understand. The “me” who I’m
trying to understand. As I sit down and
write this year end reflection, I’m filled with a mix of emotions frustration, exhaustion
but also hope and determination. 2024 was a challenging year, physically,
mentally and emotionally, to say the least. But the past 12 months taught me
the importance of self-care, resilience and patience. As it come to an end I want
to take a moment to thank myself for being strong, for never giving up and for
learning to take things slow.
2024 was a year of downs and deeper downs, twists and turns. Knowing
that the opponent is stronger, the war with myself was hard. Always felt like I
want a break from my own body. Finding strength to wake up each day to battle
my own self was exhausting. There were days when I felt like giving up. Like
the weight of it all was too much to bear. But some divine hope took me ahead.
I didn’t give up, I couldn’t give up. I had to keep moving forward, no matter
how hard it goes.
I miss how happy I was or at least how well I hide my pain. But
somewhere in the journey I lost the ability. I’ve always been that cheerful person
who tries to connect with people and tries to make others happy. But lately I’ve
found myself withdrawing from the world, hiding in the darkness of my own
isolation. What’s the point of telling? Everybody have their own struggles. It
feels like I’m shouting into the void. Then I learned the art of hiding, where
nobody can find me, nobody can see me. I was afraid of being weak and
vulnerable. I was afraid of being burden to those around me, being a constant
source of worry and concern. So I took the easy way out; to hide.
But I’m not ready to give up, I will fight, not because I’m strong but the
need to survive!!!
Dear myself,
Do you know how much proud of you I am?
I am sorry how you have to act like everything is fine.
I am sorry how you have to force your smile so that nobody finds your
pain.
I am sorry that you have to cry yourself to sleep.
I am sorry that you have to wakeup midnight due to dyspnea.
I am sorry how much you have to endure.
I am learning to love you
I am learning to heal you
In this journey you are not alone
I have got your back
You deserve to be happy
Thanks to those angels who reached out to me when I was in need. Those
who made sure I smiled, I am very grateful that you are in my life.
TO ALL OF US FIGHTING A BATTLE THAT MOST PEOPLE DON’T
UNDERSTAND!
KEEP HANGING IN THERE!
It took me around 5 days and nights of battle with my own mind to convince to post this because I feel like I’m seeking attention, everyone out there is struggling like me. U r being over dramatic BUT… I am just dumping my reality so that I feel at ease. (note to myself)
Ruby
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